You made an imprint on my heart like a big butt on a memory foam mattress.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I'm coaching my son's soccer team because it's important that he knows I'll swear at other kids, too.
Bought 17 y.o. a fanny pack for her back to school to delay my becoming a grandfather too early.
I told my therapist what you said and she's gonna call your therapist and you're in big trouble.
I'm trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
My wife's favorite position was cat style. She'd sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn't come near me.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I'm mostly terrified by how I'll never be able to afford to own a home.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn't mean to answer the call.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself "Is This Textable?"
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Welcome to kleptomaniac club. I see you already took a brochure.
Whoever thinks money doesn't bring happiness, transfer it to my account.
Didn't know which glass of beer was mine so I drank both. I'm a problem solver.
Hi college freshmen! I hope when you selected bedding for your dorm room you asked yourself, "Can I see myself throwing up on this pattern?”
Oceanography is all about current events.
[Stares deeply into date's eyes before going to the bathroom]
"I've counted these fries."
[news anchor]
"Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-"
*wife changes channel*
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you're drunk enough.
Apparently, saying "make it a double" followed by an awkward wink doesn't work at the pharmacy.
