Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster's in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn't even know I was competing.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
The original "Ben Hur" was a mega hit movie ....with ( 11 ) Oscars.
The remake is a box office flop.
A clear case of "Ben Hur, Done That”.
Oh my God! Honey, the baby just said "Dada!" Wait, why is he using air quotes?
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Looking for a nice, wholesome girl I can bring home to mom. She only dates nice, wholesome girls.
Please don't be curly
Please don't be curly
Please don't be curly
*I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food*
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy.
Of course I didn't read the entire article.
If at first you don't succeed, it's called 'Attempted' Murder.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at Walgreens.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
When people say let's stop fighting and act like a family, that's where I get confused.
Rio just listed a slightly used Olympic stadium on eBay.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone's sacrificing a virgin to do anything about it..
I don't remember all of last night but the fact I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome!
[me as a passenger on the Titanic]
Oh ewww! Are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet Lillian, I swear this trip cannot possibly get worse!
Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I'm glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don't know what I'd do with all this work.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Apparently shouting out "he has a gun" isn't the best way to let everyone in the bank know that you see the security guard. I know this now.
If by "physically fit" you mean that I am going to physically fit this entire cupcake into my mouth then yes.
If you're ever feeling stupid, just remember someone invented a wrench and named it Allen.
