No, I'm not "lackadaisical", I'm lazy, which is the same only 3 whole syllables less.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station's phone number. I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
The "Slow Children Playing" signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
There is no way Hollywood could remake Scream for millennials because, none of them would answer the phone.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
It's so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious.
If this cat doesn't stop trying to lick my plate, we're having Chinese for dinner tomorrow.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you're part of the problem.
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar.
All my friends say that I'm a psychopath.
That's not true, I don't have any friends.
Willpower? Sure. It's in the garage with my unicorn.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
CIA: They’re.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
I had pamphlets printed up for when someone asks what's wrong with me.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as "when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
In alcohol’s defense, I've done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
*malia passes me a joint*
thanks obama
I want to congratulate you on learning the definition of abundance.
"Thank you. It means a lot.”
I'm not saying I want a divorce, it's just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Got a job at McDonald's as a secret agent for the Burger King.
Most people don't realize that chickpeas only get $0.79 for every $1 a manpea makes.
Can't decide if I should start this laundry or fake my own death.
