People who argue Hillary is crooked; boy have I got news for you on the rest of the government.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married & live together so I'd have to see them every day.
"Eat right and exercise?!?...
I dunno...seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
If I say, "Don't worry, I'm on it," there's a 98% chance I'm referring to my couch.
I'm lazy, but not 'The guy who named blackbirds' lazy.
How many beer trucks can you "accidentally" run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can't pronounce it.
The joke's on you officer. That breathalyzer won't tell you how much cocaine I've snorted tonight.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’.
I hate waiting in line. I wish this guy would hurry up and pick a suspect.
I'm so sorry sir, but we here at Chase Bank don't accept gun-for-money exchanges, and we need an amount, not just "all the money you got”.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Hey Billy Joel it's called a pianist.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me sir without adding, "You're making a scene”.
Airline just told my girlfriend she has too much baggage & they've only known her a couple of minutes.
I really can't believe the price some women pay for sunglasses.
I'm starting to think it'd be cheaper to get the kitchen window tinted.
You should never lie through your teeth.
Open your mouth and speak properly.
I bet Stephen King's kids aren't afraid of shit.
I'd rather my kid bring home head lice than another frickin fundraising form.
My stomach just made a really weird noise.
I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
