The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the "bananus”.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I want a coffee so rich and bold it has a cabin in the woods where it hunts humans for sport.
I just Tokyo drifted my shopping cart into the checkout line and now all the moms in this grocery store want to have an affair with me.
We squint at the sun because it's bright.
We squint at people because they're not.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife's life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Now that there are no phone booths anymore, Superman just changes in abandoned Blockbusters.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid because all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
People say "life's a journey, not a destination," because the destination is death. The journey sucks too.
Anyway, to the bride and groom!
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life, then turned around and the toilet was empty.
Needless to say, I completely lost my shit.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president.
For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I got my wisdom teeth out solely to make a cute viral video of what I said coming out of anaesthesia, but I used the N-word too many times.
Why bother drinking water? You're just gonna pee it out.
This is what Big Water doesn't want you to know.
*me cooking*
1. Read directions on box.
2. Throw box away.
3. Pull box out of the trash 15 seconds later.
4. Repeat.
Weird how TV characters hardly watch any TV.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
I bet male porn stars don't find themselves in tight spots very often.
