For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Listen, I hate you...I'm just not... IN hate with you.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Some people might find a grown man talking to himself strange, and it's probably the couple sitting next to me.
Interviewer: "So why did you leave your last job?”
Me: "Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.”
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
*I'm not even high.
Me: I don't know how to dance to this kind of music .
Beer: Yes you do.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Just tell me when and where, and I'll be there 20 minutes late.
Someone's overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there's something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
People think I'm a good listener but I'm really just solid at nodding.
Sometimes I'll purposely spill gravy on my pants to give me an excuse to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy into church.
