Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I should sell this house, the rooms spin when I drink vodka.
My guardian angel deserves a raise.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you're wondering how I do with first impressions.
It's a little sad that today's youth don't get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the "Pedalphiles" was not well-received AT ALL.
I'd like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
"Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line…"
-Japanese spelling bee
'I'm really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
'Woody?’
'Not quite that excited.’
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke's on them because I'm not even trying.
"Go ahead, caller…."
"Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
This florist doesn't even know anything about floors, and he's acting like I'm the stupid one!
Just threw a donut inside Planet Fitness and started a riot.
