The guy who coined "put that in your pipe
and smoke it" was probably trying to find out if something on the carpet was weed.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice,
WOW! That one REALLY looked female.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally
required to end every sentence with the phrase "but there's a good chance I'm wrong about that".
Do they still call it hump day in prison?
I've been told I have a certain ineffable
quality. But ladies, I think you'll find I'm totally effable if you drink enough beer.
Apparently, saying I prefer the babysitter not
have a gag reflex isn't as appropriate as it seemed when I wrote the ad.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga.
Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
CAFFEINE-FREE DIET COKE:
BECAUSE YOU LOVE CARAMEL COLOR.
They're playing Earth, Wind and Fire.
I was not prepared to party this hard at Home Depot.
You know what they say….
so I won't tell you.
My wife thinks I have a gambling addiction. She hasn't said anything, but I bet that's what she's thinking.
My wife says I never
believe a word she says. What a lying bitch.
One in three people suffer from some sort of STD. What kind of syphilization are we living in?
If smoking kills, why does it cure salmon?
When I was at Wimbledon,
I was talking to this guy who said he was a ball boy, I told him I was more of a breast man myself.
The worst thing about getting hit in the face with pi is that it never ends.
