Men simply like to adjust their junk, it's not
pocket science.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you've got Alzheimer's.
A woman stopped me in the street and asked me to
show her how to get to the hospital.
So I pushed her under a bus.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday
finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
"You are what you eat"?
I don't remember eating a giant disappointment.
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked,
do you need some headphones?
I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
Just how hairy was the person who invented a
shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Even the stick figure woman on my wife's back window has a headache.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians.
One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
What if global warming IS a hoax and
we clean up our air and oceans, create millions of jobs, and become energy independent for nothing?
A bartender walks into
a stable. The horse says, "Why the small penis?"
My wife is crap at cooking,
cleaning, and driving, but surprisingly good with numbers and letters. 42DD to be exact.
I knew I was going bald........................
when it kept taking longer and longer to wash my face.
I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my bedroom. You know, to make it look classy.
