Last night I was mugged by an acupuncturist. Stabbed two hundred times. My back feels great, I slept well, and woke up feeling refreshed.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. Ninety-eight of them said, "How the hell did you get in here?"
My wife has an hourglass figure. It's just that she's carrying around way too much sand in the bottom half.
I took drugs last night
with my shoelaces untied. Big mistake - I was trippin' all night.
Note to self: Next time you
leave a message for the wife saying you'll be in a threesome all afternoon, specify that it's golf.
The vet looked at me
and said, "I'm afraid your cat won't last long: it's the big C." "What, cancer" I replied. "No", he said, curiosity.
I informed my wife that I was taking
a two week vacation to a place with a hot desert climate. She said, have it, I have no desire to see such a place. Why did you select it?
I replied that I wished to explore the erotic round mounds of Arabia.
She then asked, where are they? I replied, Djibouti.
I poured me a bowl of cheerios
Looked in the fridge for milk and to my surprise I was out. OK beerios it is.
