I just retained a 33 lawyer firm in Tacoma!!!!! Pretty affordable insurance for the POS scum in this ol world!!!!

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.

Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage?
They threatened to release one every hour until their demands were met.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
They both look good hanging from a tree.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb . . .

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.

What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.

What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
They're both extinct.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
It takes 300,000 of them to make one human being.

What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.

What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.

What happens to a lawyer who jumps out of a plane at 35,000 feet without a parachute?
Who cares?

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.


What type of apparel is the most popular with lawyers?
Law-suits.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dirt?
The bucket.

What's brown and looks really good on a lawyer?
A doberman.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
The pronunciation.

What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wingtips.

What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.

What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
The nearest cemetery.

Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
To practice.

Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.

Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
Another lawyer.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.

What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
His personality.

What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon?
He was disbarred.

What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?
Taller

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.

A new female associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room at her new firm, to her surprise and delight. When asked by her best friend to identify the new lover, she was puzzled: "All I know for sure is that it was a partner - he made me do all the work."

The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. "I'm sorry, he's dead," was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates, and I just like to hear you say it."

A prominent young attorney is on his way to court when he gets hit by a bus.
Suddenly he finds himself at the Pearly Gates facing St. Peter.

" This has to be a mistake!" exclaims the lawyer. " I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!"

St. Peter replies, "Gee, that’s funny. Based on the number of hours you’ve billed to clients we thought you had to be at least 105."

An attorney is sitting in his office late one night, when Satan suddenly appears before him. The Devil tells the lawyer, "Have I got a deal for you! You will win every case you try. Your clients will adore you. Your colleagues will be in awe of you, and , of course, you will make more money thsn you can ever spend. All I want in exchange in return is your eternal soul."
The lawyer thinks for a moment, then asks, "So, what's the catch?"

Three lawyers and three accountants got on the train in New York to go to a convention in DC. The three accountants bought a ticket each, but the three lawyers bought only one ticket between them. The accountants commented on the illegality of their action but the lawyers said, "Trust us -- we're lawyers."
When the conductor entered the end of the car to collect the tickets, the three lawyers got up and all went into the bathroom together. When the conductor knocked on the bathroom door, a hand shot out with the one ticket, which the conductor duly canceled.

On returning to their seats the three accountants expressed admiration for such a clever trick. "Well," they said modestly, "we ARE lawyers."

After the convention they all entered Union Station for the return trip home to New York. This time the accountants bought one ticket between them, while the lawyers did not buy any tickets at all. The accountants were amazed and said so. "Trust us," the three said. "We're lawyers."

When the conductor arrived, the three accountants quickly jumped up and went into the bathroom. As soon as the door closed, the three lawyers got up and headed for the adjoining bathroom. As the last lawyer went by the accountant's bathroom, he knocked on the door. A hand shot out with the ticket, which the lawyer quickly grabbed before entering the other bathroom.

I'm thinking this guy rode the short bus to school....

There was once a man who was as nice as could be, except he absolutely hated lawyers. Whenever he would see a lawyer on the side of a road, he would swerve his pick-up truck and run over him or her.
Then one day, he was driving down the freeway when he saw a priest next to his car, which had broken down. Being such a nice man, he pulled over and offered the preist a ride to the next gas station.

While he was driving, he saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He started to swerve over, when he realized there was a priest in his car. He thought he missed the lawyer, but he still heard a loud bang. Then he pulled over and confessed to the priest about his problem and said that's why he swerved the car.

He told the priest that he thought he missed the lawyer when the priest interrupted him and said, "That's okay, I hit him with my door!"

A good start!

Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?"

"Sure is Bubba. But why are you asking?"

"Cause what I want to know is can I sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with?"

Answer: A good start! lol

I have a question......What do you call 2000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

What about the tag line....?
Been on thsi meeasge borad sijnce 1999 with Steve and Bishey. If anyone has any leagl questions or needs an attorney I can help with both. So here goes.

Grub.

So I'm supposed to take legal advice from an anonymous poster who cannot properly spell "attorney" nor even provide a phony nickname.

Don't think so, Willis!